Distress in the Couple, Distress in the Self; Parallel Processes
The Pattern
In working with a number of our individual clients through periods of anxiety and depression, we’ve been struck by an incredible parallel between what we observe in the internal dynamics and the dynamics within struggling couples. That is, a dynamic that occurs when two people are unsatisfied with each other is often embodied in a single individual struggling with unwanted, painful internal experiences. In what follows we illuminate the similarities between these dynamics.
In Couples
The pattern goes something like this:
Partner X has a need for closeness and reassurance. They are looking for safety and support. Underneath they fear their partner won’t be available or responsive when they need them.
Partner Y has a need for self-sufficiency and internal coherence. They are looking for autonomy and personal integrity. Underneath they fear they may otherwise be overwhelmed, unseen, or never enough for their partner.
Partner Y may seek to meet their need for autonomy through shifting attention, being distracted, being partially present, getting up and walking away, making a joke, or other ways of withdrawing (moving away) from their partner.
Partner X may seek to meet their needs for reassurance through frequently checking in with their partner, asking for attention from their partner, becoming critical when they don’t receive caring, or other ways of pursuing (moving toward) their partner.
The more Partner X pursues, the more Partner Y withdraws. The more Partner Y withdraws, the more Partner X pursues.
The more times this pattern replays, the less satisfied, close, comfortable, confident, alive, and capable the couple becomes.
This is a familiar pattern for couples therapists and has been described in great detail within the couples literature (see here for a review). What is less commonly described, however, is the parallel of this pattern to the internal rumination of individuals struggling with self-concept.
In Individuals
The pattern between the parts of the self goes something like this:
Part X has a need for self-preservation. They are looking for evidence of self-mastery, efficacy, and healthy boundaries. Underneath they fear that their boundaries will be compromised or that the other “self-part” will not be responsive or protective when they need them.
Part Y has a need to feel accepted, valued, and worthy. They are looking for validation that is not dependent on anything they do (sometimes referred to as unconditional positive regard). Underneath they fear that they will be unseen or otherwise “never enough.”
Part Y may seek to meet its needs of worthiness by sleeping, eating, using substances, avoiding stressors, or other ways of withdrawing/escaping their critical self-part.
Part X may seek to meet its need for reassurance by bringing up concerns about the future, being critical of the self, or otherwise trying to get the other part “online” to meet and address demands of living.
The more Part X pursues or criticizes, the more Part Y withdraws and avoids. The more Part Y avoids, the more Part X pursues.
The more times this pattern replays, the less satisfied, comfortable, safe, confident, alive, and capable the individual becomes.
While it’s quite a bit of extrapolation to assume a connection between these two processes, attachment theorists hypothesize that our relationship to ourselves is based off the mirroring and support we receive from close others as we develop. While depression is biopsychosocial in origin, and not only attributable to our socialization, it does seem to be the case that secure attachments with early caregivers can serve as a protective mechanism against a negative relationship with the self (Beeghly & Cicchetti, 1994). As such, it is perhaps not surprising how profoundly similar the internal rumination of depression is to that observed in insecurely attached couples.
The Way Out
While this pattern can be deeply entrenched in people and in relationships, the way out is clear. Both parts of the couple or the self need to 1). become aware of their underlying fears, 2). communicate these directly in open, authentic ways, and 3) be open to the emotional influence of the other. Behavioral planning or specific ways of problem-solving can be secondary to this, but at the core of change is the emotional healing that occurs when both part/ners trust that they been heard and understood.
How might this corrective process occur in a couple or in an individual? Typically what plays out is a starting at the surface. Both sides need to be able to express themselves at the level at which they are, typically being secondary anger or hurt. When they are allowed to share this without restriction, typically this opens both part/ners up to naturally to underlying, often scarier feelings such as fear of isolation or never being enough. If one side dominates the conversation or is unable to hear the other, this will inevitably lead to a repetition of the cycle. Ultimately this is because these two parts must have the other in order to survive. That is, it is simply not possible to be either “totally dependent” (Part/ner X) or “totally independent” (Part/ner Y) and exist in the world. So if one part/ner seeks to resolve the conflict through annihilation of or disconnection from the other, they will also feel foundationally insecure/unsatisfied.
Unfortunately, what is a simple 3-step solution on the face of it is actually very difficult to enact as both parts struggle for survival. Each has a deep and abiding fear that giving power to the other will mean a loss of the self and an important need (e.g. integrity or intimacy). This is the reason we often need the support of a caring, neutral observer who can reassure both part/ners that the goal will not be their elimination. Should this be something we (Dr. Tucker & Dr. Ko) can assist you with through our services, please don’t hesitate to contact us!