Affairs & Infidelity

Few things come as more shocking or devastating in a relationship than to grapple with an affair. Everyday life as you know it may change for both partners as you contend with a new reality filled with profound pain, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, and shame. Affairs come with a whole host of very strong emotions, which often makes it very difficult for couples to work through this “injury” to the relationship in a constructive way. It is also important to recognize that the definition of “affair” or “infidelity” is highly subjective and may not necessarily be limited to a sexual affair. For example, an “affair” might also include secretive texting with a coworker, connecting with an ex on social media, or close relationships with outside parties even when no sexual encounter has occurred.

Couples may find themselves in patterns where the “injured” partner engages in criticism and blame, while the “affair” partner engages in subsequent justification and minimization of their actions. The “injured” partner may feel an endless pit of pain that feels impossible to overcome, so much so that research has found that affairs are often experienced as traumatic. They may find that images of the affair continue to replay in their minds, or that they feel an uncontrollable urge to check their partner’s phone or social media for clues that an affair might be happening again. The “affair” partner may feel like no amount of apologizing is going to help their partner to move on, and that they will be subject to the smoldering anger and pain of their partner for an endless amount of time. They may find themselves justifying their actions to defend their character, striving to not be defined by their decision to have an affair.

Alternatively, partners may try to “leave the past in the past” or “just move on” and trust again, only to find that these well-intentioned strategies do not work. The reasons for infidelity are often quite complex, and it is important that the couple fully understands what happened without these quick-fix strategies if they want to remain together and protect the relationship from future damage. Furthermore, it is important that appropriate accountability is taken and reparations are made in a way that feels healing and authentic rather than forced or superficial.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done. That being said, it is possible to heal from an affair and create a new relationship together that is stronger than what came before. It will take a lot of hard work and vulnerability from both partners, but there is certainly hope to be had. We are here to walk this journey with you!