How to Stay Emotionally Available in an Emotionally-Closed World

The world is an unpredictable, terrifying place for us humans. We live within a reality of vulnerability. As much as we might prefer to be unaffected, our bodies are subject to harm and hurt. If we take even just a moment of authentic introspection and are truthful with ourselves, we will know that fear is a function of our very being. To do anything at all as humans is to subject ourselves to risk, failure, rejection, and possible pain. To need air is to risk losing our breath.

Emptily sitting with the terror of this existence for too long… that might leave us in a state of existential panic. The incredible fear of our own morbidity and mortality would be enough to disintegrate our sense of stability or identity. Thus, we humans have specialized in strategies for detaching from reality. We drink, compare, achieve, smoke, scroll, fight, gamble, eat, game, and otherwise distract. We mask our fear behind smiling social media posts, impressive PowerPoint presentations, or facades of power and fearlessness. We close ourselves off from others and even from ourselves; staying angry or numb as an alternative to experiencing our own terrible situation.

The only chance we have at accepting reality for what it is; the only way we can get anywhere near meeting a terrifying reality on reality’s terms, is through belonging. The only real buffer humans have against the abject absurdity and impossibility of existence is compassionate holding of our experience. The only way to such compassionate holding is through staying emotionally open to our own experience and the experience of others. Indeed, individuals who tend to disclose distressing information less tend to experience poorer well-being, lower self-esteem, and greater depression (Kahn & Hessling, 2005).

So, how do we stay emotionally open in a social world specializing in emotional shut-off? How do we continue to risk it all everyday as a function of living in an uncertain world?

Stay Needy

Acknowledging our inherent need for being seen and cared for by important others allows us to stay much closer to our own experience. We have much greater access to the truth of our experience by staying with the power of our relationships and the importance others have in our world. By staying needy, we open ourselves up to receiving support, love, and understanding from those around us. We learn we can actually turn toward important others during moments of panic and crisis and that, while they may not be able to remove the terror, they can help in validating the reality and the fairness of our fear.

Stay Terrified

The world is fundamentally uncertain. Even as psychologists we would love to reassure our clients that following X, Y, or Z advice will guarantee well-being. And yet, we live in a reality in which there are zero guarantees. No matter how much we do to protect ourselves and set up systems to guard us, some inkling of uncontrollability will always be just on the periphery. Rather than closing off from this, we must stay with it and share our terror. Staying in connection with others allows us greater capacity to access our fear, and staying afraid allows us greater access to connection.

Stay Compassionate

There is a reason we all wish to close off so often. Of course we do! We can love and appreciate those parts of us that seek to cut-off and detach in efforts to protect us. Even our own denial of reality and tendency toward avoidance can be compassionately cared for. When we find ourselves detaching, we can acknowledge the forces serving such detachment, honor this protective instinct, and use compassion for ourselves to open up again to our own fear. Through generating a strong emotional response to our own experience, we are able to remain emotionally available.

The ease we have with closing off means we may need to stay constantly vigilant in not numbing out. As paradoxical as it may seem, we may need to remind ourselves each morning to stay afraid and to stay longing. It’s good to be scared! To not be scared would be to not be alive. We may even begin to ritualize practices of undermining the certainty we’d prefer and replacing it with the awe of existing. As a psychologist for example, each new client is an opportunity for me to close off or open up. Each new meeting is a chance for me to seek certainty, be the expert and have the answers, and not get too close to my clients. Alternatively, I can ritualize a practice of not knowing, being scared with my clients, and honoring the truth of both of our experiences. I can model the very thing I believe to be truly psychologically healthy; confrontation of my own uncertainties in the service of authentic connection.

Here’s to opening up to a whole new world of opening up.